Thoughts on How You Want to be Known in Life and How You Want to be Remembered

Like many people, Luke Perry’s death at the beginning of March had a big impact on me. There have been several celebrity deaths over the last few years that have made me sad enough to shed tears (including Robin Williams, George Michael, David Bowie, and Alan Rickman to name a few), and Luke’s death was no different. I was only six when Beverly Hills, 90210 started, and while I didn’t watch it until I was older, I was always aware of it and the actors. In the days and weeks after his death, my social media feeds were full of pictures and stories of Luke. Whether people had worked closely with him or had only met him once, he seemed to leave a lasting impression. The general sense I got about him was that he was kind, generous, thoughtful, a true professional, and also a true gentleman. The stories made me smile and cry, and really got me thinking. Luke was only 52 when he died, and yet it’s clear his memory will live on through the people who knew and loved him, and those of us who just felt like we knew him. A few days after Luke's death, on International Women’s Day, I shared a post on Instagram paying tribute to the two women who have most shaped who I am. My Grama was the type of person everyone loved; she treated everyone with kindness and respect, and her inherent goodness radiated through her dazzling smile. Everyone who met her loved her. My mum is the same way; she makes friends wherever she goes, and people are drawn to her. Among countless other valuable life lessons, these two women taught me about kindness, strength, following your dreams, and never giving up. All of this has made me think about the lasting impression we can have, sometimes without even realizing it. How one encounter or a handful of encounters or a lifetime with someone can shape who you are or change your life. I’ve mentioned before how I’m making big changes in my life this year, changes regarding my mindset, my mental and physical health, living with joy, and much more. I’ve been gravitating toward like-minded people, those who encourage others to live with intention and to discover their purpose or their ‘why’. These things have been on my mind a lot lately, coming up again and again during meditation and through journaling. And it’s led me to wonder a few things: How do people see me? How do I want to be known? What kind of impression do I want to leave? How can I leave a lasting, positive impression? How can I help people? I already have a good sense of my purpose in life (something I’ll likely talk about in future posts), and I’m learning to live in service to that purpose with intention and joy. I'm also learning to make positive changes and improvements to become the best person I can be. When I think of the two women who helped shape who I am, and of Luke Perry and the legacy he left behind, several common things come up: Kindness. Humour. Wisdom. Honesty. Integrity. All traits I admire and try to embody. All traits I hope to be known for. I want to make a point of adding here, when I say thinking about ‘how people see me’, I don’t mean that I allow other people’s opinions or judgments to influence me. Some people live their lives worrying about what other people think and changing who they are to fit certain labels or adhere to society’s norms. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean consciously making changes that feel right to you in order to be the type of person others look up to and admire, someone who inspires people, someone who leaves others better or happier or more enlightened than they were before.

Some people possess enough self-awareness that they already know they’re leaving an impact and doing good. Their relationships are strong and healthy and they’re confident in who they are and what they’re doing. For others, it might take some soul searching. If you’re not sure, start by thinking of the people you admire most and the traits they embody. How can you be more like them while remaining your true, authentic self? Digging deeper, I think the easiest way to figure out what you want and who you want to be is to first address what you don’t want and who you don’t want to be. Think of the people around you, both in your everyday life and on social media. We likely all have some of *those people* in our lives who do nothing but complain. People who are incredibly negative, confrontational, passive-aggressive, play the victim, don’t take responsibility for any of their actions, make endless excuses, brag constantly, take joy in saying offensive things, and the list goes on. Do you just know those people or are you, perhaps, one of them? If you can definitively say you’re not one of them, chances are you can also definitively say you don’t want to be one of them. That’s a good place to start. Some questions to ask yourself: If asked to describe me in a completely honest way, what would the people closest to me say about me? Am I a good friend/partner/sibling, etc? Do I check in regularly? Do I make an effort? Do I initiate contact and get-togethers or leave it up to them? Am I supportive and encouraging? Do I show gratitude? Do I take them for granted? Do I use them? Am I providing value in their life? Do I get upset with them easily? Do I take my anger and frustrations out on them? Am I someone people can talk to openly and honestly? Am I trustworthy? Do I follow through with the things I say I’m going to do? Do I only ever talk about myself and my life/problems/plans? Do I make time for others freely and willingly or only when it’s convenient for me? Do I hold grudges and hold onto bitterness and resentment? Am I petty or jealous? Am I dependable and reliable? Do people know they can count on me? If some of these questions bring up negative answers or emotions for you, that’s okay. The important thing is acknowledging and addressing those issues. The beautiful thing about life is it’s never too late to change. You can take responsibility for your actions and behavior and change your life at any moment. It’s a process and it certainly doesn’t happen overnight, but with some adjustments in your attitude and mindset, anything is possible. You can be whoever you want to be. You can’t control how people see you, but you can control your actions, which might help people see you in a different way. Something that has really affected my own actions recently is being put in the position of being a role model. I have nephews and nieces, and I’ve always tried to be a good example for them, but lately my five-year-old niece is my shadow. Wherever I am, she’s there too; whatever I’m doing, she’s doing it too; whatever I say, she says it too; whatever I’m interested in, she’s interested in it too. The way she admires me, copies me, and looks up to me has made me extremely aware of the power I have to influence and shape her. So I make sure to teach her about being true to herself. I make sure to praise her wonderful attributes, like her intelligence, her humour, her kindness, and her generosity. It’s a really weighty responsibility, and it’s one I take seriously because I know how important those early years are and what an impact I can have on her growing mind.
Someday I want her and her brothers to talk about me the way I talk about my mum and Grama. I want the people in my life to think of me with a smile on their face. I want the people who follow me online to feel like I’m providing value and being authentic, and I want them to feel inspired, uplifted, hopeful, and like they’ve learned something.

How do you want to be known? When other people think of you, what do you hope they think? When you’re gone, how do you wish to be remembered?

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Spring Cleaning Isn’t Just For Your Home. Here’s How to Spring Clean Your Life Too

Happy first day of Spring! After what felt like 864 days of winter, I’m so ready for warmer days, blooming flowers and trees, and lush green grass. Who's with me? People talk about spring cleaning - decluttering, clearing the dust and cobwebs that built up over the winter, getting rid of things you no longer need (or that no longer serve you or spark joy, if you’re into Marie Kondo’s teachings). Personally, I have a massive list of stuff to clean and organize, and I can’t wait to open the windows again and let in the fresh air. But spring cleaning can be about so much more than just washing and tidying your physical space. Spring is about rebirth and renewal, which makes it the perfect time for a personal renaissance too. This can look like a lot of things: working to change negative or destructive habits, adopting healthy new habits, changing your mindset, working on your spirituality, practicing self-care for better mental health, and much more. I’m thinking of this spring as a time to mentally, physically, and spiritually declutter. In a recent post, I talked about how 2019 is the year of big changes for me. I’m ramping up my efforts this spring and taking things to the next level. If you’re interested in doing the same, here are some ideas for ways to declutter your life this season. Clean out your social media I think a lot of us follow people we don’t really want to follow, whether it’s out of a sense of obligation, or because we once enjoyed someone’s content, or maybe because of a giveaway that required a follow. Social media can be a huge time suck and it can also mess with your head, your confidence, and your self-worth, leaving you feeling drained. Spring is a great time to curate your social media platforms and unfollow the accounts you no longer enjoy following. For me, I enjoy following people who inspire, entertain, and/or provide value of some sort. You don’t need to follow people whose seemingly picture-perfect lives make you feel bad about your own life, or incite jealousy. And if there are people you feel bad about unfollowing (a family member, a co-worker, that old classmate you occasionally run into and don’t want to deal with that awkward ‘why did you unfollow me?’ conversation), there’s a handy-dandy ‘mute’ button on most social media platforms so you can still follow/be friends with someone, but don’t have to see their content unless you choose to.
Similarly, this is a good time to clean up your social media habits. How much time each day do you spend on social media? Do you check it constantly? Spy on that person you can’t stand but still need to know what they’re up to? Lurk in groups? Watch endless YouTube videos? Mindlessly scroll through your feeds? Mindlessly post to your feeds? I think a lot of us spend way more time on social media than we realize (or than we’d like to admit), so take some time and assess your habits and cut back accordingly. Assess your habits and behaviors Think of all the things you do each day or on a regular basis. How mindful are you of how your time is being spent and what you’re doing? At the end of the day or week, do you often find yourself wondering where the time went? Do you feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day or you’re always rolling things over from your to-do list from day to day? How often do you say “I’m too busy” or “I don’t have time for that”? Sometimes we truly are busy and there’s no avoiding it, but many times we get stuck in a cycle of making excuses, procrastinating, and avoiding. This is where assessing your habits comes into play. How much time do you spend on social media? How much time do you spend watching TV? If you don’t have time for the things you claim are important to you but you marathon-watch a whole season of TV each week or you spend hours each night scrolling through social media, it’s likely time to rearrange your priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you completely cut out social media or TV or any of the other things you might enjoy, but it’s all about priorities and being mindful. If there are things you want to do and feel you don’t have time for, think about what you can cut back on or cut out of your life entirely. Can you get up earlier in the morning? Start saying no to the things you don’t want to do (especially when it’s something you hate doing or for someone who’s ungrateful and takes advantage of you)? Skip an episode of the show you’re watching and spend that hour exercising or reading or doing something mindful instead? Think about the times you say, “I can’t do X because…” Is it a legitimate reason or an excuse?

Your mindset, slowing down, and self-care This year, I’m all about positivity and having a healthy mindset. I’ve become that person who looks for the good, the silver lining, the lessons that can be learned from any situation. Having a positive mindset and focusing on the right things takes work. It doesn’t happen overnight and it’s something that requires changes not only in your thoughts, but also in your behaviors and actions. So many people believe they have to be busy or productive all the time. ‘Hustling’ is a buzzword that gets used a lot, and it’s created a mindset of having to always be doing, doing, doing or you won’t succeed or get ahead in life. While hard work and dedication are important, so many people don’t know or have forgotten how to just be. I saw a meme one day that said ‘You are a human being, not a human doing’ and while it initially made me kind of chuckle, it’s true. There’s something to be said for slowing down, enjoying life beyond the hustle and grind, and just being. This is something that’s been a process for me. I was used to go go go and work ridiculously long hours, and I was tired and stressed most of the time. Throw in mental health struggles like depression and anxiety, and I was pretty miserable. Since I’ve learned to slow down, reset my mindset, rearrange my priorities, and make myself my top priority, I feel like a different person. What’s been working best for me is a routine of regular exercise, yoga, meditation, and journalling, among other things. These things have taught me how to slow down and be conscious of my mental, emotional, and physical states.
Spring holds so many important lessons that parallel life: no matter how long or dark or cold the winter is, spring always comes. Change and growth are beautiful. That change and growth don’t have to remain in nature, they can happen in you too. This is the perfect time to plant new seeds in your mind and see what lovely, bright things grow from them. Make yourself a priority. Make your health - both mental and physical - a priority. Figure out what’s important to you and what’s no longer serving you. Be conscious of your thoughts and how you speak to and about yourself. Slow down and truly enjoy your life. Wishing you all a beautiful season of rebirth and renewal.

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2019: The Year of Big Life Changes

I was sick with the cold from hell through most of December 2018. I had a short reprieve for a few days around Christmas, and then it came back with a vengeance and stuck around until the new year. During the first bout, I kept working as normal; I had things to do, and I couldn’t let a cold slow me down, even though I could hardly breathe and had serious brain fog. After Christmas, though, I knew my body was telling me it was time to slow down. So while it was completely strange and foreign to me, I took time off work (for the most part), and relaxed. I did a lot of reflecting, some planning for 2019, and took time to nap and read and get better. During that time, I realized two things: 1) I need to relax more often and take better care of myself. And 2) 2018 was kind of a blur. There were some definite highlights - like spending several days in the summer with my bestie in one of my favourite cities, then spending another few days with her in November, plus publishing my first full-length book in three years - but the rest sort of just blended together. I had wanted to be more mindful and more present, get more accomplished, and basically DO ALL THE THINGS, so how was it that in the last week of the year I could hardly remember anything other than the highlights and a general sense of it being a better year than the previous few? I knew something had to change. Or, more accurately, a lot of ‘somethings’. It was time to take control of my life. I’d spent too long feeling stuck, letting the days collect, and making excuses. So. Many. Excuses. I also realized I was surrounded by people who made a lot of excuses too, and that wasn’t helping. So, like millions of other people, I decided to go into the new year seeing 2019 as a fresh start. But I knew it had to be different from every other new year and every other ‘fresh start’. I feel like something happened to me in that last week of 2018; call it an epiphany, call it an acetaminophen-fueled breakthrough, call it whatever you want, but something finally clicked. And here I am, two months into the new year, at the point where my fresh start has usually fallen by the wayside in favour of old habits, and I’m still going strong. What’s different this time? So many things. I went into this year knowing I’d have to completely shift my mindset. Analyze my old habits, figure out what wasn’t working and what was no longer serving me, and change those things. That meant focusing on myself, making myself a priority, and going into this knowing I wanted deep and lasting change - mind, body, and soul. I needed to stop letting outside influences affect me, and do whatever was needed to ensure I have the best life possible. And it’s working. The thing is, it’s easy to make resolutions. It’s easy to say you’re going to lose ten pounds or you’re going to save more money or you’re going to be more positive. But without a plan of action, without ways to make those things happen, those resolutions become something you think about for a few weeks every year, and maybe even do something about for awhile, but most of the time, no real change comes from them.

Now, you might be wondering what changes I’ve made. I mentioned shifting my mindset, and that’s been a big part of it. In fact, that’s the root of all the changes in my life. Because I've learned everything starts in your own mind. Your goals, your dreams, your actions, your emotions - you control all those things. And once you realize that, once you realize your thoughts have power, you learn to shift the way you think and you reframe the things that once held you back. There are some things that are out of your control, but you can control how you react to those things. So that’s something I’ve been working on. Not only being more positive, but also being more grateful, more open, more present, and expanding my mind. I’ve been learning a lot and finding inspiration from intelligent, high-vibe women like Susannah Conway, Kathrin Zenkina, Mel Robbins, and Ezzie Spencer. (If you're interested in making some positive changes too, I encourage you to check out their sites for more information. And if Pinterest is your thing, you might want to check out my board A Life of Purpose and Intention, which I add to daily.) Other changes in my lifestyle: I’ve started a regular workout routine, and I’m practising yoga and meditation. These have been things I’ve done on and off over the years, but they’re really clicking for me this time. I find I actually love exercising, and the meditation has been incredible for me. I’m going to talk more about my FitBit Alta HR in an upcoming post, but I want to say this because I think it's amazing: when I first got the FitBit in November, my resting heart rate was 75 BPM. Since I’ve started exercising and meditating regularly, my resting BPM is 69. I find I’m much calmer, less reactive, and it’s helped my anxiety and depression so much. Usually, January and February are really difficult for me and I get a wicked case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but other than feeling a lack of motivation at times when the weather was dreary for days on end, I’ve stayed out of that dark, depressive hole. I feel better, I have more energy, and for the first time in a long time, I’m excited and optimistic about my future. To round things out, I’ve also been working with the Law of Attraction, manifestation, journaling, and Lunar Abundance, but I think those are subjects for another time since this post is already running long! I feel like I’m on a whole new life path and amazing things are unfolding for me. And despite the changes I feel inside (and the physical changes I see in my body), I know this is a process, and I’m being patient with myself. I think that’s where a lot of people fail when they embark on a journey of change. Things don’t happen quickly enough or in the way they want, so they give up. I’ve been guilty of that plenty of times. Not this time, though. This time feels different from all the others, and I’m determined this isn’t going to be a new year’s fad, but a lasting lifestyle change. And I'm going to continue to write about it as a way to not only hold myself accountable, but to also hopefully help and inspire others along the way. I’ll be talking more about this in the coming weeks and months, and I hope you’ll follow along. If there’s anything you’d like to know or something you'd like me to talk more about in the future, feel free to pop your questions in the comments. I also talk a lot about mindset and positivity on my Instagram, so if you want daily doses of that (plus stuff about writing, books, travel, and my favourite things), be sure to follow me @rambling_daydreamer.

Are you making any lifestyle changes in 2019? Did you make resolutions or set goals at the beginning of the year? How are you doing with them two months into the new year?

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Experiencing Jealousy as an Author And How To Turn It Into Something Positive

Let’s talk about that little green-eyed monster I’m sure we’re all acquainted with in one form or another: jealousy. Jealousy, or even envy, is likely a natural state of being for many creative people, since we tend to be full of self-doubt and various insecurities. It’s easy to play the comparison game, feel inadequate, and be jealous of other people’s success or the things they have or the opportunities they’ve been given. While it's natural, it's not something you want to let consume or control you. You can choose to let those feelings make you bitter, or you can flip them around and use them as motivation and inspiration. The latter is exactly what I'm doing this year. I follow a few extremely successful authors on Instagram. Last year, I zoned in on one indie author in particular. She’s pretty and peppy, she writes great books, her Instagram feed is gorgeous, and she has a picture-perfect family. She publishes every three months like clockwork, and all of her books zoom to the top of the Amazon bestseller charts. Basically, she seems to have it all and have her life together. Of course appearances can be deceiving, especially on social media, but she talks often about how she makes things work and keeps things running relatively smoothly. Another popular author I follow is a hybrid author (some of her books are self-published and others are published through a traditional publisher). At the time I discovered her Instagram (I was already following her on Twitter), she had been in Italy for several weeks. She seems to travel more often than she’s home, and she too publishes several books a year. With every new picture these two authors posted - every trip, every new success, every little orange bestseller sticker on Amazon, every week on a bestseller list, every hundred reviews for their brand new books - jealousy crept in more and more. I kept thinking ‘Why her and not me? What am I doing wrong? Why do some people have all the success?’ As of January 2019, I’ve been self-publishing for seven years. It’s been a rollercoaster ride in many ways - plenty of ups and downs, plateaus, and times where I felt like I was stalled on the track trying to get the mechanics of the thing going again. I’ve hit ‘publish’ a total of twelve times in the last seven years, ranging from novellas to novels to short stories, Young Adult to New Adult to Contemporary Romance to Women’s Fiction. I’ve had varying degrees of success with each of my books. I’ve tried many different approaches to promotion, again with varying degrees of success. I was examining my feelings of jealousy and inadequacy one day last autumn, and it hit me: the big difference between these two authors and me is they’re putting in the work. They’re writing and publishing consistently. They both have busy schedules and lives outside of writing and publishing, but they still make writing a priority. When I realized that, instead of continuing to let jealousy eat away at me, I decided to turn those feelings into something positive: a learning experience. Inspiration. Motivation. Something to aspire to rather than allowing other people’s successes to make me feel bad about myself. Besides putting in the work, these two also have a few other things in common: they love what they write. They write the books they want to write, regardless of the market. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen so-called experts say that to succeed you need to a) write series, and b) write to market. These authors don’t do either of those things. That was a big lightbulb moment for me because I don’t write to market either. I write the stories that take hold of my heart and mind, even if they don’t fit the current trends or whatever the hot tropes of the moment are. Speaking of which, and still on the topic of jealousy, I was recently talking to a good friend who’s also a writer, and she told me how frustrated she is with writing and publishing. She’s poured a ton of money into promos and advertisement, giveaways, award and recognition submissions (like Kirkus and awards that require entry fees), and she hired a big PR company to promote her books. For the last year or two, I’ve watched as she seemingly had all these incredible opportunities, got her books in the hands of the right people, built a loyal following of superfans, and so many of the other things I’ve struggled to do. And she did it all within a couple years, while I’ve been at it for seven. But then she confessed that even with all the money she’s spent and the outward appearance of success, all those things haven’t actually influenced her sales much. Many of the ‘right people’ who have her book haven’t even bothered to read it. I was flabbergasted. All this time, I’d been wishing I had the kind of budget she appeared to have so I could hire people to do all the things I’ve either been doing myself or that are currently out of my financial reach (like making paperbacks for my books and running regular ads). This eye-opening conversation proved how deceiving appearances can be and that we can’t really know what goes on behind the scenes a lot of the time. For a long time, I didn’t make writing a priority. I had some things happening in my life that threw me off track and I found it difficult to get back into a routine. I’m still struggling with it, but it’s getting better. Something I talked about last year with a few writer friends was the concept of working smarter, not harder. I wanted so badly to embody that, but I didn’t. I felt like I was spinning my wheels a lot of the time, remembering the long-ago days when I was able to focus better and write more consistently. If I’m completely honest, I simply spent a lot of time making excuses and procrastinating. You can’t expect the results if you don’t put in the work. It’s that simple. Now, if only it were as simple on the flip side: put in the work and see the results!

Even though I do still feel that green-eyed monster creeping up from time to time, I’m flipping those negative emotions and turning them into fuel. Fuel to write consistently, write what I love, and publish more consistently. And even if I never quite reach the bestselling, tens of thousands of followers, hordes of megafans level of success of the two authors who initially made me examine my own jealousy, that’s okay. Everyone is different and everyone’s journey is different. It doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong, it just means my path is different.
And who knows, maybe someday I’ll be sitting pretty on the bestseller lists with those same two authors. A girl can dream, right?

Do you experience jealousy? How do you deal with it?

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