If We Were Having Coffee...

This was started by Ashley at Your Super Awesome Life, and then brought to the book blogging community by Jamie at The Perpetual Page-Turner. I’ve always said I love reading personal posts because it lets you know there really is a human being behind the computer. We visit people’s blogs on a daily or weekly basis, get to know them, and if we're really lucky we come to think of them as true friends or maybe even extended family, so it’s nice to get to know them - their hopes, fears, goals, triumphs, or just the mundane everyday things.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so this idea felt like the perfect way to get it all out. I might even make this a monthly feature. These are the things I'd tell you if we were sitting down for coffee.

 

I’d tell you that it’s been almost two and a half years since my Grama died but some days the pain I feel is as fresh as it was the day she died. I’d tell you that everyone else seemed to move on really quickly, but my mum and I are still drowning in grief...but we hide it well because it feels like nobody really cares or thinks it’s possible that we might still be in a lot of pain. I’d tell you that the other day my six-month-old niece looked up at me with my Grama’s face and I almost had a meltdown in the middle of Walmart. And that a few days later when I was in the mall, I saw a little old white-haired lady in a wheelchair and I almost choked on the lump in my throat. I’d tell you that sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking of things to tell her or pictures to show her or questions to ask her and then remember she’s gone and feel like I’ve lost her all over again. I’d also tell you that I wish there was someone - anyone - who could see the pain I’m in and realize that I'm not really okay.

 

I’d tell you that I don’t know how I feel about turning 30 next week. Six months ago I freaked out every time I thought about it, but now…now I’m somewhere close to calm. I thought it mattered that I’m still single, that I’m not where I’d like to be in my career, that I don’t have many friends…but then I hear people saying that 30 is the new 20 or that life begins at 30, and I take comfort in that. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m proud of the things I have accomplished, and I’m excited for the future.

I’d tell you something I've been trying to avoid admitting to myself: blogging has become a chore. I’ve lost the love and passion for it that I once had. I don’t take as much pleasure in reading as I used to because I’ve stupidly over-committed myself and now all I feel is pressure instead of enjoyment. It scares me and makes me sad, because reading used to be my escape; it’s what kept me sane, but I’m not reading for pleasure anymore. I'm going to be making some big changes in 2014 because I want to get back to loving reading and blogging. I don’t know what I’d do without this community, so I can’t imagine leaving.

I’d tell you that I’m incredibly grateful for my online friends. I don’t have many real life friends, so I’d be very lonely (and lost) without my online friends. There are a couple of people I talk to on a daily basis, share my life with, and who know more about what's going on in my life than anyone in my real life. I trust them completely, I miss them when I don’t talk to them, and I love being part of their lives. I’d also tell you that despite how grateful I am for them, it makes me sad that I don’t have friends like them in real life. I feel like I’m everyone’s last priority - the one they spend time with when their other friends are busy, or when their husband/boyfriend is away, or when someone takes their kid(s) for a night or when they need something. 

I’d tell you that despite what seems like a giant pity party above, I am actually content with my life…mostly. I have the best mother in the world, I have a wonderful family, I have nephews and a niece who are the lights of my life. Being their aunt is the greatest pleasure imaginable. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. I have everything I need, and that means I’m luckier than a lot of other people.

I’d tell you that I’m working hard at having a more positive outlook. I have high hopes for 2014, and I'm really hoping it's the year everything comes together for me. Even though I keep telling myself it's okay to be single, I really want a relationship. I want someone who puts me first, someone to go on adventures with, someone to plan a future with. I want to keep writing books and hopefully finally write that one that grabs readers' attention and makes my career take off. I'm hoping to make new friends and get rid of all the toxic people and things in my life. *crosses fingers*

So, those are some of the things I'd tell you if we were having coffee. What would you tell me?

{Facebook || Twitter || GoodReads || Pinterest || YouTube || Author blog || Personal/photography blog}
{Subscribe to my author newsletter}